Lessons from my Journey

Wow... 5 years have just disappeared into a pit of depression.  Twice, I have tried to recover this blog and share my thoughts on the world wide web for anyone, anywhere who maybe has gone through this journey to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  But then I just get stuck in the tunnel.

I'm recovering-- I really am.  I've come to terms with living in a family plagued by mental illness and all that entails.  I've been to the dark side of near suicide more times than I can imagine and my love for my family has been the one thing that has kept me alive at times.  I'll freely admit that I am in a place now that without those wonderful drugs we call antidepressants, I could probably not function without dissolving into a wet mass of snotty tears, often in public, several times a month.

My pit has taken its toll though.  Once a promising teacher, I left a campus where I was two steps away from getting booted out because I could not admit my failures and learn from my mistakes.  I've thought about going back-- financially we are struggling-- but the stakes are just so high, I can't handle the pressure.  Of course, pinching pennies is its own type of pressure.  My home, once welcoming and unique with its Southwest style and custom ragged walls, now seems dark and dingy and even more depressing.  But the task of repainting or the expense of repairs is even more daunting than I can handle, so I live with it and tackle a little each day-- at least cleaner, if not lighter.

So many times, I have just felt so ALONE but yet I am realizing as I am becoming more vocal about my struggles, that so many of my friends have struggled with depression, ARE struggling with depression, and I've decided that my voice, my story, just might help.

My problems are nowhere near gone.  I'm the mother of two children with very real, very debilitating illnesses and it just wears you down, mentally, physically, financially.  I won't go into detail on this blog about my kids and their battle, because they are very private and I have to respect that, but if you ever want to meet for coffee, I can share a little and what it's meant for us as a family.  Because of these illnesses, we decided to take a fledgling direct-sales business in home fragrance and jump in completely full time, so that I could have the time and flexibility to be with my kids in crisis as needed.  Unfortunately, this year, it's been so often that the business has not taken off like we planned and money is very, very tight.

But writing, sharing, opening up to my bare soul, will help me pull out of the pit and I hope it helps you or someone you know.  My hope is to write a new blog post at least 2-3 times a week.  My reality is you'll be lucky to hear from me once a week or even once a month, and if you do, you will know that at least I am getting better.

Gardening Time

It's Spring finally! My favorite season when I get totally motivated to go out and get in the dirt. Last year I decided to focus on developing the "bones" of the garden-- I've spent too many years and too much money planting perennials and then forgetting where they were planted and pulling them up. I've also tried and tried-again to plant those "impossible to kill" plants such as clematis and seniza and managed to kill them. I read gardening magazines religiously and see the beautiful gardens so dense you can't even see the soil but mine are far from that.

So this year, we (well, mostly me, the kids and hubby just dig and move what I tell them to) decided to put in some more large flowering shrubs, some roses and a few large spring flowering trees. Last year our big project was to put in a flagstone patio and firepit in the corner of the yard but ran out of summer and didn't finish-- Greg and I laid decomposed granite in the spaces this week and it looks nearly done. We have narrowed down a 55x55 lot into about 20x30 of grass, which will hopefully give us more time to garden and not lawn maintenance.

I'll post some photos as soon as I get a chance of some of my favorite parts of the garden.

Weekend Warrior

As I enter another weekend I wanted to blog about my plans, in the hopes that this "added accountability" will keep me motivated as I tackle recreating my home. My father and sister are visiting next week, so this is the full weekend I have to work on my home. I still have a table full of Christmas (I collected it from all our rooms so I could start wrapping and putting in boxes all at one time). I've got to get the bedrooms ready for guests. I've got to get new pillows. I've got to clean out the refrigerator in anticipation of cooking for a crowd. I've got to shampoo a few spots the dogs have become too "familiar" with, if you know what I mean. AND I've got lots of grading to do as the grading period comes to an end.

But I also need to mentally prepare myself for their visit-- I know since we've been going through such a rough time as a family, everyone seems to approach me with both pity and oft-unsolicited advice, and it just seems to make me feel more depressed. I really need to get myself to where I can keep myself on an even keel. I hope I can find some time to squeeze in some walking this weekend too-- it seems to keep my mood up.